i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
