My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
