Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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