my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
