Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
