keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
