i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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