Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
