I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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