Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
