hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
