I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
