So drunk its hurt
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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