I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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