Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
