Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
