I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
