Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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