Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
