He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
porn star boner night. come get it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.