So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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