White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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