Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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