Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
