I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
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I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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