new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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