You can't special order awesome
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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