Will you blow on my dice?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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