The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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