well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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