Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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