she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
