roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
