this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
