just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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