Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
