i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
sarcasm needs its own font
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
