i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
