i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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