i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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