Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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