where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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