If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she pinky promised me she was 18
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
