i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
