I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
