her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
