I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
