Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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