okay pat passed out under dana's car
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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