You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
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Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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