dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
