I'm gonna have a badass scar
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
