I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
