I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
