to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
