I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
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Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
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He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.