Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
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As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
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Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel