remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.