went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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