toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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